You Should Start Instigating

I am an instigator. I'm not ashamed of it; I'm proud to be one. Who am I to tell you to make all the right decisions?

L.A Paul's Transformative Experiences piece furthers my philosophy of instigating. Sure, I can tell you what you should do, but I can only back that up with my experiences. Me telling you what you should do and going against your desires to listen to me doesn't benefit you. You need to learn firsthand to be changed.

Me and my bestfriend Rami, who is by far my biggest instigator

My friend, let's call her Chloe, is in a situationship. She debated entering this situationship for months. She would tell me about all the issues with him and how she didn't want to settle for that. I agreed with her. I told her not to enter it. Chloe continued to fester at the thought of being in an informal commitment with him. She couldn't stop talking about him or even thinking about him. I gave her all the advice in the world about why she shouldn't enter it, and I based it on my experiences.

That's when I realized the issue. Sure, I could tell her how I was in the same position and how it destroyed me, but what good does that do for her? She hasn't experienced it, what does my experience mean to her then? That's when I switched my position and started instigating.

She should enter the situationship. She needs to experience one and struggle through one to learn. It could even end up well, as they're pretty steady now. Either way, it's a lesson for her. She has learned so much about communication, boundaries, and upholding her expectations. That's not something I could simply teach her because she wouldn't understand the value of those skills without learning why she needs those skills through her own experience. Me telling her what to do was pointless because she needed to go through it herself to understand what I was talking about and draw her conclusions, not learn from mine.

I believe that everything can be a learning experience and experiences are what are needed to grow. You can choose to let an experience tear you down or to take it as a lesson and shift your life perspective. There are so many people to tell my friends what they should do. Most of the time, I'm the only one to instigate in the other direction, and most of those times the friend asking for advice is taking mine instead of the person who's telling them the right thing to do. Why? It's because they feel strongly about fulfilling that desire. Maybe doing the 'right' thing will continue to leave them unsatisfied until one day they can't take it anymore and it blows up in their face. I think that's worse than just satisfying the desire in the first place and having minor consequences versus letting the lack of satisfaction consume you in every way possible.

I want my friends to grow and be changed people. Many Indian/foreign kids would know what I'm talking about when I say this, but your parents being super strict in your life didn't teach you anything, it was you breaking the rules and personally learning stuff the hard way that taught you to either do or not do something.

So go do the stupid thing you've been thinking about doing. Take it as a learning opportunity. Maybe it'll work out for you like it did for Chloe and it'll change your values and skillset.