I Got A Curly Haircut

My hair has always been wild. I have a thick head of hair, and growing up, my mom would always brush it out, apply coconut oil, and do the whole Indian shebang. Still, my hair was frizzy and looked unruly. My dad always had the mandatory suggestion of buzzing it so I wouldn’t have to deal with it. So, I rocked pixie cuts and undercuts. In middle school, I was into cross-dressing. I didn’t care what anyone thought of me—I was already labeled the 'weird, smelly, poor kid.'

Me and my dad! (2017)

Then came high school. This is where Erikson's Psychosocial Stage of 'identity vs. confusion' hit me hard. The heavy masculinity I embodied made me an outcast in society. Even though I deeply identified with cross-dressing, I realized it wouldn't benefit my societal appearance anymore. I started growing out my hair.

Once again, I had THICK, frizzy, wild hair. So while I began to look more 'feminine,' I still appeared unkempt.

Now we arrive at my first year of college. I decided to get my hair colored—mild highlights. I had bangs, but my hair still looked somewhat wild because I was getting straight-across haircuts meant for straight hair. That’s when I had a genius idea: I started using a claw clip to pin half of my hair up.

June, 2024

It was easy. I could just hide my hair. Nobody needs to see my hair in the full volume it was. No one needs to see how "monstrous" it was. How unhealthy it was. How heavy it was.

I did this throughout my sophomore year breaching into my junior year. I had my little front pieces that had a bit of wave and that's all the personality I felt that anyone needed to see from me.

A couple of days ago, I realized how vicious it was. I was drowning in it. It was suffocating me. It was clear I was neglecting my hair, and more importantly me.

So I cut it. It wasn't a regular cut; it was a curl cut. The hairstylist went through chunk by chunk and cut it in a way that she believed would let it thrive. And my curls reacted accordingly. For the first time, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw that I was indeed a woman with curly hair. I was scared to get my haircut because I thought losing length would make me lose my femininity, something I’ve been working towards for years. Then it hit me: femininity isn’t about forcing yourself to do things you think are feminine; it’s about caring for the parts of yourself that are neglected and allowing them to flourish. Sure, I lost a ton of length when I cut my hair, but my hair is thriving, and my curls are HEALING. WHO CARES IF I DON’T LOOK LIKE THE GENERAL POPULATION? THAT ISN’T THE POINT. The point is to be comfortable with yourself and understand yourself. You should view the things that make you feel like an outcast as advantages. Be PROUD of them. When you take care of yourself and attend to your needs, you will flourish and thrive.

September, 2024!