I'm Not As Independent As I Thought I Was...

If you know me, you know how independent I am. My family doesn't spend a single dollar on me, and I don't rely on a single thing from them. I try to stay debt-free from my friends, and I *hate* owing someone something.

This ideology stems back from, you guessed it—childhood trauma. There were a couple of repetitive themes in my childhood. One stemmed from my dad saying, "Grace, make enough money to never ask for a dollar from someone else again." This came from the lack of money we had and how we were, unfortunately, dependent on anyone feeling charitable. I think somehow my dad was trying to give me the hint that I should strive to be independent so I'm never dependent on the family again so I can do my own thing. The second theme was being let down. I mentioned in a previous blog post that my parents have *always* let me down. If I needed something, desperately, I had to figure out how to do it myself or through other people. Not from them. I wanted to do marching band to boost my applications for applying to college since it was my only real activity in high school. They never came to any of the events I needed them to come to. No parent-teacher conferences, no high school events/performances, no picking up, *nothing.* Even the little things like depending on them to remember my birthday, or depending on them to love me enough to get me a little gift for Christmas. Or depending on them to take care of me in general. I never had a birthday party until 2024 when I planned one myself.

The third theme connected to this was protecting myself. My triple, quadruple, and quintuple backup plans if someone let me down gave me ease. Not trusting people and not believing in my friendships that someone would hold their promise to me gave me comfort if they let me down because at least I saw it coming.

There's a difference between independence and isolation. I mistook them for each other. I thought that by continuing to isolate myself and making sure I never needed to depend on anyone I was independent. It wasn't independence, that was severe trust issues and this inability to depend on people hurt my relationships since I always left up a wall around something I was vulnerable about.

This last weekend, (10/12/2024-10/15/2024) was a nightmare. HOLY SH**. I went home for the first time since August 26th to check on my cats since nobody's been home since August other than the cat-sitters. Everything that could've gone wrong went wrong. One thing in particular was my car. It was pretty dead, and I needed it to start back up. So I had to ask for help, which was a daunting task. I called up my best friend Sophie (who is one of the cat-sitters btw) to ask if she had jumper cables so I could attempt to jumpstart it myself. She REFUSED to just give me cables and insisted on coming over with her dad so they could do it for me. I let it happen, and it took them 15 minutes to jumpstart it from how dead it was. Sophie's dad adamantly told me to leave it running for another hour so it wouldn't die again. So shortly after they left to go back to their house, I left my house and went to pick Sophie up from her house so we could go study at the local library.

Sweet Sweet Sophie (October, 2024)

I hear obesity in my ears tempting me to go get Crumbl Cookie after picking Sophie up, so I cave and go to Crumbl Cookie. Our friend Ellie called us to ask if we could pick her up so we could all go together, and we said yes after we got this cookie. I take the keys out of the engine and march right into Crumbl, where I order the Ultimate Peanut Butter cookie with Butterfingers. Sophie and I get back into the car so we can split the cookie and leave, where I realize my car isn't turning back on again.

"God **** it." (Sorry Jesus!)

The car died again. I started apologizing to Sophie out of embarrassment that I let her down with not being able to drive us to the library since my car died again. And that now she's stuck in this dead car with me when she has important exams to be studying for. She laughed though. *Cackling* actually. How on earth did we forget Sophie's dad's advice to not turn off the car until an hour after? Bro are you kidding me ;;;;;_____;;;;;;;

Our mutual bestie Ellie calls to hear ETA and we explain the situation and then ask if she could pull up to help us jump-start the car. She says yes. She drives to Crumbl, and the three of us try to jumpstart my car together. I felt so bad for both of them, but they didn't mind at all. It was taking too long to jumpstart from how dead it was but a couple of hours later Sophie's dad came and helped us jumpstart it with a supercharger. The three of us girls cackled, making jokes about how we needed a man to do this for us, but then I realized something;

I am not as independent as I thought I was. I needed help throughout this whole situation, and I depended on someone to help me. I needed Sophie and Ellie. And they didn't let me down when I needed them. They tried to make me feel better about the situation. Why did I feel so scared to depend on them? When I finally let go of the resistance in my head to try and be independent, and instead be confident in needing help, I felt so much closer, basically a sisterhood with them. It takes a lot of trust to depend on someone and believe in them, and the fact that I did made me feel so much more safe and vulnerable with them. It wasn’t just about jumping a car—it was about building trust and realizing that sometimes, it’s okay to depend on the people who love you.

Ellie and Sophie standing in front of the jumpstarted cars in the Crumbl Cookie parking lot. (October 2024)

There are more people I can *confidently* depend on. Like my other best friend Silvanna, who has NEVER EVER EVER let me down, starting from the 7th grade. She was the first person to buy me a birthday cake. Or my mentor Willow, who is my motherly figure in my life even if there's nothing that legally ties us together, like blood or actual familial connection. She has never let me down either. She's the first person who I call in an emergency and she has never not been able to show up. I can trust these people. They will not let me down and I will do everything in my power to not let them down. It's important to be dependent on permanent people in your life. People like Silvanna, Sophie, Ellie, and Willow will always be in my life. They might not be blood family, but they’re far from strangers. You don’t need blood ties to have people you can rely on—just people you are connected to by the soul. These are some of the closest people in my life. I don’t depend on them for attention; I depend on them when I need help and a sense of community. Don’t depend on strangers for attention, like stupid boys or girls you barely know. You don’t know them well enough, and there’s no obligation for them to be dependable to you. True dependency should be earned in close friendships. Rely on your closest community to help you bounce back.

Me and Silvanna! (October 2024)

Yes, I am independent. Asking people for help didn't take away from my independence, it took away my isolation. I’m learning to find balance and to be independent without closing myself off from the people who love me. Friendship is about vulnerability, and when we trust each other enough to ask for help, we build the kind of relationships that make life richer, not lonelier.